Let Me Be(lieve)

     When I was very young, I was told to believe. To believe that if I did as I was told, was kind, and did my chores, that on a special night at the end of the year, magical things would happen and gifts would appear from afar. And I believed. For a while wholeheartedly. Then as time passed, I began to notice some things just didn't seem to add up. When I posed these questions of mine, I was encouraged that it would be best just to let it be. So I did, for a time - up until I could no longer let it be to just believe.
    Several years later, diploma in hand & scholarships within reach, I chose a different path. Having been immersed in parades, memorials, and the such, I was oft told of the honor of serving. Putting nation over self. Traditions. Valor. And I believed. I was a part of something bigger, and we were going to ensure peace and prosperity throughout the world, quenching evil in its track. I believed - hook, line, and sinker. Until the day I didn't. Some things didn't seem to add up. Why are we here, and why are we doing these things to these people? I began to ask questions. Again, I was told to just let it be. Do as you are ordered and let it be. And I did let it be for as long as I had to, but I no longer believed.
    Norman Rockwell depicted a exceptionally rosy version of the American family in most of his paintings. My generation was raised to believe in and strive for that picture perfect version of Americana as a life goal. It would take a lot of work and commitment to succeed, but if you stuck to your guns and worked together, we would see it through and look back on a lifetime of memories with warm hearts. And I believed. Oh so wholeheartedly, I believed. When we set out to build a family, I poured all of my heart and soul into making it work. I think we both did at first. As small things would crop up sometimes we would solve them, other times we would just let them be. Somewhere along the way, things began to not add up. For the longest while I tried not to question things. I just let them be, and worked harder. Eventually, things reached a point beyond questioning. Nothing added up. It was not meant to be. It's hard to believe that over a quarter of a century had come and gone, trying to hold on to that belief.
    Perhaps I should of let that be that, but I still believed in the dream. Perhaps I would get a do over. A second shot with the right person?  Could it be? I genuinely believed it possible. That there is someone whom I could grow together with each of us empowering the other in unbelievable ways? Yea, I was beginning to believe that. Truth is, I still have that belief. But after a lifetime of just letting things be, I have little if any interest in continuing to do so. When things don't add up, they don't add up. Full stop. I readily accept the fact that I am more than a little gun-shy at this point in my life, and perhaps even lost my ability to correctly add at all.
    Regardless, at this juncture, I believe that doing what is best for me is paramount. To let it be about me. To explore and answer my questions and concerns. To address my needs. To learn to believe in myself.
    As to the rest of the world; I hear you. I care. I really do. And I will be back. But for now, for the time being, please...
Just. Let. Me. Be(lieve).