So I went on a bike ride...
Only, I didn't.
Let me explain. There is this annual century ride (bike lingo for 100
miles - not to be confused with Metric century (100Km) which is only 62
miles, but you still get to use the word "century", so it's all good). I
have done this ride for easily 12 years in some form or another.
Initially, I rode the whole thing. Then it became a family camping
weekend. I would ride, and my wife and daughter would operate one of the
sags (rest stops). Sometimes I would ride to their stop (50-ish miles)
then help them for the rest of the day. More recently, since our
daughter is away in college, I will operate the sag with my wife, and
ride the day before with all the other event volunteers on an impromptu
40-50 mile ride. Such was the plan for this past weekend.But as they
often do, things changed.
This event - dubbed the Suwannee Sweetheart - takes place the second
weekend in February in the rural North Florida town of White Springs,
located on the banks of the Suwannee River. The name should make
complete sense by now.
The plan was for me to head up after work on Friday and set camp at the
nearby state park. Michelle & our dog would join on Saturday, while
I was participating in the pre-ride - leaving me open to assist on the
sag for the main ride on Sunday. Everything was going as planned until I
got up on Saturday morning and crawled out of my tent. What an
amazingly beautiful morning. 70s, sunny, with a light breeze. After
percolating some coffee on the Coleman, I grabbed a water bottle, small
box of raisins, and decided to go for a walk.The ride didn't start until
10, so I had plenty of time. There is a hiking trail that follows the
bank of the river, with all of it's twists and bends, The trail,
variably elevated from the water on a natural berm, meanders along
cypress, palmettos, pines and old growth oaks, canopied with Spanish
moss. As I started following the trail, I became more and more
mesmerized by the peaceful beauty and solitude of the moment. So I
continued walking.
Just Walking, thinking, and reflecting. Reflecting on the past year. It
has been over a year now since I have had any active treatments for my
advanced prostate cancer. I was diagnosed in July of 2015, and had
surgery, followed by a course of salvage radiation, and a year of
hormone therapy. I detailed a lot of that part of my journey in my blog "
Quetico & Cancer". In my final entry of that blog, I mentioned that if I write any more, it would be about life, and not cancer.
This is the first of hopefully many entries on that theme. At
this current time, I am still showing "no cancer detected", and have
continually been getting stronger and more "normal" over the past year. I
have steadily ramped up my physical activity, and even beginning to
drop some weight. I can feel my muscles responding in the gym. I can get
a pump again instead of just fatigue. I could still use some
improvement in the E.D arena, but my biggest hurdle to overcome now is
in the self confidence department. I tend to second guess myself on
everything. In the most basic of things, I will double and triple check
myself. Things that have been second nature all my life now cause my to
pause and think through. Getting the right words out of my mouth in the
right order. These are all well documented effects of a journey like
mine, and as the fog continues to lift, they will improve. Small
potatoes in the big scheme of things, I know. It can just be a little
frustrating at times.
Man, look at that white sandy beach on the river bend. Such a contrast from the black water of the river.
The water in the Suwannee is very tannin-rich, making it appear black -
almost coffee black. Not dirty or polluted, just stained from the
decaying vegetation of the Okefenokee Swamp, the location of the
Suwannee headwaters.
Hmmm..flowing water, sandy beach, sunny day & solitude. You guessed
it. Time for a swim. I won't lie..the water was pretty darn cold, and I
didn't swim for that long. But it felt good. Huck Finn good. Sitting on
that sandy beach, back up against a tree and enjoying my single serving
of raisins, it is hard not to be content.
It really has been a great year. Michelle & I went on our first
Alaskan cruise over the summer. While kayaking in Juno, a huge whale
breached about 100 years off our bow. Nice!! The majesty of the
glaciers, combined and frolicking sea otters just having a good ole
time. Ocean views, and a day hike in Denali. Incredible experiences. We
also got to travel to London and spend Christmas with our daughter. Best
Christmas dinner ever. In a student dorm kitchen. She is doing her
graduate studies there. Spending time with her showing us around and
sharing her experiences. I am proud of the woman that she has become.
Awesome memories. Great times - just like this one today. I wonder what
time it is? A quick glance at my garmin watch, and it is 11Am. It also
reveals that I have also managed to walk a little over 4 miles down
this trail. Guess I wont be riding today. No point in being in a hurry
now.
I think about all the people I have met on this cancer
journey. Some in person, but most in on-line support groups. Of all the
people in "my class" - those of us that started our journey and/or got
to know around the same time - A lot have moved on - their initial
treatment being all that was necessary. Some have already passed. Or I
should say too many have already passed. Some have exhausted all
applicable treatments and are living out their time the best they know
how. Others are still in some active treatment regimen and responding to
some degree. Me? I seemed to have gotten lucky. I have been able to
enjoy a break. By all indicators and predictions a temporary break, but a
break none the less. A gift of time. Most of us (my class) do not post
on the on line forums as often as we first did, but we sort of keep tabs
on one another. We are all connected by this thing we call cancer. I
think some have met face to face. I have made some attempt in instances,
but perhaps in this unique case, it is better that we don't. Maybe in
this instance, we can be more true and open from behind a keyboard. I
don't know. It would be nice to share a beer and chat face to face, though. One thing I wonder. After several months into this
journey, some of us proclaimed that despite all the bad things about
cancer, It also brought some amazing gifts of awareness and appreciation
for life and love. Some of us even stated that if we had a chance to
give it all back and go back to our pre-cancer selves, but lose what we
have learned along the way, we wouldn't do it. I wonder if they still
feel the same way? I know that one of my fears of going back "normal"
was that I would slowly regress back into taking life for granted, the
further I got away from treatments and actively living cancer. I made a
promise to myself that I was going to take full advantage of my
treatment break - however long it lasts. I can't control just which PSA
test brings it to a halt, but I can control my life in between tests.I
also vowed to not be angry when my break is over, but remain thankful
for the chance. I hope that I can remain true to those when the time
comes.
Wow,
I must have dozed off under that tree. Those raisins sure didn't do
much to quench my hunger. And the sun is a little further along it's
journey as well. And I missed a text from Michelle. They are almost to
the campground. I guess I better start walking back. So I gather my
shirt and half empty bottle of water in one hand, and shoes in my other
and start walking back. Slowly. As I almost get back to the start of the
trail, I encounter another man headed the direction I just came from.
There he was. Mr. L.L. Bean himself. Hiking boots, long pants properly
secured around his boots, long sleeve tech shirt, Tilly hat, backpack
and dual carbon hiking sticks. Me - barefoot, shorts, with my tee shirt
slung over my shoulder. Holding onto my vibram 5 fingers. Talk about
opposite ends of the spectrum. Oh well, to each his own. I hope his
trail experience is atleast half as good as mine was.
The rest of the weekend went great. Nothing like getting out in the
woods to sooth my mind. The official ride went off well, and everybody
had a good time. Even if they didn't get to walk in the woods.
I am already looking forward to next year;s event. Heck, I might even ride my bike next year. Or not. Time will tell..
